Okay, so things are about to get real. Many kids these days are depressed, like really depressed. I can’t say that I haven’t been feeling the same way. Lately, I’ve realized that it’s been harder for me to not cry almost every day. I’ve lost motivation, my grades have been slipping, I don't talk to my friends as much as I used to, and things I loved and obsessed over no longer interest me as much.
I used to be the biggest fangirl you knew, I followed ten shows, if not more, at the same time. I used to read books one after the other so fast, it’s like I was gulping down Pepsi. Being overly interested in things was one of the major components of my personality. I was the girl who obsessed about Criminal Minds, The Flash, Divergent, and so many other books I can’t even count that high. Now, all of that has dwindled. It’s still there, though. I can feel it. I still get excited about new seasons and I still spend way too much money at Barnes & Noble. I always thought that maybe it was just maturity, the consequences of growing up that made me forget about my interests, but I’m still a kid. I’m still a teenager who should dance when the music gets loud and spend money on things that don’t matter.
I can’t exactly pinpoint the very moment I started feeling so down in the dumps. Maybe it was when my Junior year started, or when I began working at Wal-Mart, or maybe it was when I got my first F in Honors Precalc, or that unit in Health class where we learned about depression and the effects of it.
I told myself I was never going to tell anyone this, but here we go. I’ve had suicidal thoughts at least twice in the last couple of months and they haven’t really gone away. I’m at such a low point in my life right now that the only thing keeping me here is my little brothers. I know this is something you shouldn’t keep to yourself because suicide is dangerous and should not be taken lightly. I’m going to pause right now and say that what I did was wrong (not the depression part because your feelings are valid and no matter how dark and blue they are you are correct for having them). I should have told someone as soon as I had those thoughts because it’s never good to be alone when you are thinking about harming yourself.
On a Thursday night, I cried in the shower. For an hour I sat in the tub and sobbed as the water fell on my face, which sounds totally dramatic and yes, I did feel like I was in a music video. Why was I crying? I don’t know. But what I did know is that I could easily die, let myself end me. I knew how easy it was and what pain I’d be leaving behind. It was probably the worst night of my life. A few weeks later I sat on my bed and cried. I started thinking about how easy it could be to just take a knife from the kitchen and end my life. These thoughts scared me so much that I locked myself in the bathroom. The thing about depression is that it doesn’t go away as easily as you would hope. It’s like a weed, once it’s planted its roots spread. The thoughts did not go away.
I’m not writing this article and putting all this stuff in here to make you feel sorry for me, that’s not my intention. The point I’m trying to get across is that you are not alone. I know it’s cheesy to say and you hear it all the time but one of the most comforting things to hear is that you are not alone. It’s like coming to school and forgetting that you had homework and then your friend says that they didn’t do it either. That, right there, is comfort.
To be honest, this depression may never go away. I might never be the same, which saddens me, really. I’ve gone through so much and it feels like every year that passes, it just gets worse and worse. I can’t promise anything but I can promise that I’ll be here to listen and to cry with.
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255