TRIGGER WARNING:
Discussion of thinly-veiled sexism
Sexual abuse/assault
Purity culture
Religious trauma
Homophobia
Open conversation about sex and desire
The sheer number of little girls that have had their bodies compared to an object is staggering. I, personally, was compared to tape, and told that, with each sexual encounter, my worth would diminish, until there was nothing left to give to my husband. I was twelve. Now, I’m seventeen, and I know that none of that actually matters. However, I don’t know if the rest of society has realized that.
Millions of teens and preteens have been exposed to this kind of teaching, and it is incredibly harmful, as purity culture teaches some very dangerous things.
This essay will cover the following:
Women don’t experience sexual pleasure.
Facing sexual abuse diminishes your worth as a person.
Women are responsible for men's sexual self-control.
Homosexual tendencies aren’t real and shouldn’t even be talked about.
Women should be ashamed of their bodies.
Modesty and virginity are the only way women can gain respect.
Sex is sinful and can damage your relationship with God.
I have been told all of these things, some more than once, and NONE of them are true in any way. Sex is not something anyone should be ashamed of, and making female pleasure a taboo topic, more so than sex in general, damages how young women view sex and their female peers. This kind of talk can also be very painful for anyone who has experienced sexual assault, harassment, or abuse, as it blames the victim and perpetuates rape culture.
On the topic of victim-blaming, another idea perpetuated by this narrative is that “boys will be boys,” or, that men are not responsible for their own actions when it comes to sex, and that the way women dress and act around men is to blame for any abuse they face. This is ALSO harmful to victims of rape, and, once again, entirely false. Men can control themselves around women, some just choose not too, and that is not the fault of anyone else AT ALL.
Another toxic mindset propagated by purity culture is that women's’ bodies are objects, that sex is damaging to women, and that your worth is defined by either your virginity or your marital status. ALL OF THESE ARE HARMFUL AND FALSE! Virginity, like gender and many other things discussed on this blog, is a social construct and defines NOTHING about a woman or her value. And, women are people outside of their sex and love lives and are not defined by the men, women, or enbies they marry.
To make things worse, these teachings are only focused on women, creating the idea that, while women are defined by their purity, men are apparently allowed to have as much premarital sex as they want with no repercussions. Relationships are a two-way street, and one partner can’t expect the other to be completely pure and innocent if they have not abided by the same rules. Also, women are not objects, we are people, and, unlike a piece of paper being ripped apart or a rose being stomped on or whatever objects have been used in this analogy, are not physically broken or spiritually diminished by sex.
On the topic of homosexuality and sexual pleasure, they are just another couple of things women are supposed to “turn off” or just not experience at all. However, women do love other women, and men do love other men, quite a few people swing both ways, and there are more than two genders to swing towards. As a young lesbian, my encounter with purity culture was NOT fun for me, and it made me feel even worse about my feelings towards other girls, which I was already trying to hide and suppress.
Finally, we come to, in my opinion, the worst message perpetuated by purity culture: that having sex before marriage, experiencing sexual pleasure, feeling attracted to the same gender, or facing sexual abuse damages or even destroys a woman’s relationship with God. Having this message pushed upon you, especially when you’re twelve or thirteen years old, hurts a lot. I speak from experience when I say that hearing this broke my heart and strained my relationship with my faith for years. And, while I did make my peace with it and learn to move on with my life and in my relationship with God, not all women can. A relationship with one’s faith is INCREDIBLY personal, and this message can sometimes leave them with emotional scars. Blanket statements about saving yourself for your husband and not being a stumbling block can’t really define that type of relationship, and, as such, should not be pushed onto adolescent Christians who are beginning to explore themselves sexually and spiritually.
I know that there is so much I missed in writing this, but I hope I can reach a few of you out there. You are not defined by your sexual experiences or desires, and you mean more than what men think of you. Please love yourself, and know that sex is natural, beautiful, and not something you need to be ashamed of.
For more resources please check out the links below, and feel free to do research on your own.
What No One Is Saying About Purity Culture