i have two levels of knowledge when it comes to eating, and while both of them are pretty complicated they both have simple names: “the voice is good” and “the voice is bad.”
the voice is both my worst enemy and my best friend.
she’s been following me around since i was eight years old- when i learned that my body was a terrible thing.
the voice is good because
i’m making progress
people think i look pretty
if i lose weight then things will become better for me
everyone has been looking out for my comfort, the voice doesn’t do that
she tells me the truth about how ugly i am
i don’t want to hear the lies that i tell myself
because i want to eat and she won’t let me
i want to eat and the voice tells me that eating is bad, she fights my instincts
my instincts let me overeat, but she doesn’t
she helps me fight the pain of hunger by telling me how beautiful i’ll be
she doesn’t make me feel bad about my sickness
the numbers will go down faster if i listen to her
i want to be skinny
the voice is bad because
i want to be normal again
i don’t want to look at food like it could kill me in an instant
the line between skinny and fat is too fine, and i won’t stop if she’s guiding me
she doesn’t care about anything logical, only being thin
my body shouldn’t be my enemy
my parents and my friends are worried about me
i don’t want to feel this way
everything she says is a lie and i will never be able to trust her
if i let her get any louder than the rest of the world will be drowned out
i know that she isn’t good for me
but she feels so good that i really can’t tell